Lets start this review by saying that if you haven’t heard of Carly Simon you will hear every song she has ever recorded, as it is the soundtrack to this movie. I had not heard of her, now I have. The movie starts with a montage of Stacy the lunatic with background music playing (“You’re So Vain” Carly Simon). She’s in traffic while self-narrating and crying. Here we go. Then several minutes of some child with her mother. I later learned that this chubby bizarrely Latino child was supposed to be the young version of our protagonist, who is as Caucasian and slim as Slenderman ordering a pumpkin spice latte.
The plot of the movie finally starts after showing another montage this time of the over twenty males she dated through high school and college. Finally, the sequence ended by her meeting the perfect man in a bar. What could possibly go wrong! And this all happened in the first 10 minutes of the movie. The other half of this plot is the new job she has at a Jerry Springier style show. This new employment apparently requires literally zero work from her as an assistant. She caries coffee. Once. Never lifts another finger to help. She instead feels like spending her entire time on the clock distracting other employees, committing fraud, and generally getting everyone around her caught up in her hurricane level shit-storm of drama.
She lies, cheats, steals, and sneaks into the lives of all her bar boyfriends ex girlfriends lives. Till it all blows up in her face. After a lot of fart and vagina awkward “humor” the show she is supposed to be working for decides to call her out on live TV for all the fraud she has committed in the shows name. Gets her on stage with her boyfriend and all his ex lovers. Apparently its okay that she has dated in the past, but it’s not okay for him too. Basically after airing out all of his skeletons in the closet and humiliating him on live television, Stacy realizes that she’s not right for her boyfriend. And never sees him again.
After this touching show of emotion we bump into an old love of Stacy’s that was very reasonably forgotten as he had exactly 10 seconds of screen time where he said his name, “Bean”. He ironically now owns a coffee shop named Coffee Bean. How clever. She instantly decides that they where always meant to be and confesses her eternal love to him. All this before he gets a chance to interject about his wife that is standing 10 feet from him. This scene I suppose was just to underscore that whole crazy narcissist thing.
She then gets her dream job. During the interview surprisingly (but lets be honest we saw this coming) Carly Simon just happens to be there. Apparently this hiring manager missed the whole her being exposed on live TV, committing company fraud, and threatening to rip out her employers eyes bit. I would like a thirty second clip tacked to the end where her new boss sees it and promptly fires her.
For this little gem I’d have to say that your lady owes you an all expenses payed vacation and at least a couple breakfast in beds. That is as long as she doesn’t try any of the great dating tips from this movie like stealing your phone, calling all of your exes, or falling in love with anyone that bats an eye in her direction. I do not recommend this horrible excuse of a film and if your lady wants to watch it you might try blowing a breaker, starting an electrical fire, or if all else fails just go swallow a couple laxatives its messy but effective.
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